A Walk in the Wilderness

I’ve been in two minds about whether or not to post this random burst of thought from the other day as it is a very personal jumble of musings, a rather dark side I’ve carried alone for a very long time. However, after a visit to a friend’s house led me to discover the book ‘You are Special’ by Max Lucado the message felt really poignant and that what I had written could be a suitable post after all; perhaps even the start of a new conversation I’ve never before been willing to have. So here goes…

There’s a fine line between passion and fury, I should know, I’m balanced right there. I’m afraid in case I fall off it, Become lost in in my own despair.

There’s a pain in my heart like a knife wound, A demon that’s twisting my thoughts. A rage so impulsive its gripping, Emotions are heightened and fraught.

I’m frightened that one day I’ll lose it, that the storm is well on it’s way. I’m a slave to the torment it brings me, The pain gets stronger each day.

I’ve slid once before towards the blackness, When no light was willing to shine. A panic so strong it numbed me, Detached from the life that was mine.

There’s a cold wind travelling my body, An ice that chills to the bone. Yet the fire of the hurt burns within me, A fight I am facing alone.

There’s a music inside me that’s haunting. A piano that plays all alone. The melody seems all but forgotten, the notes are stripped away, gone.

How do I accept people like me, what is it that they can all see? How come I seem to have missed it? Where is there beauty in me?

Perhaps if I tell me I’m worth it, Will I see what they can all see? Am I just making it all up? Am I just frightened of me?

Is the way I feel even normal? Do others struggle each day? Do you live in fear from the outset? There must be a simpler way.

I look at my life and I’m so blessed, A richness no one can take. Yet the ‘monsters’ remove all the goodness and poison the enjoyment we make.

I love my children beyond measure, I see pure love in their eyes. Yet I worry that others will see less, I project my own pain on their lives.

My friends are supportive and helpful, They listen and often share prayer. Why do I feel so alone then, see things  that aren’t really there?

There’s a pressure to achieve that I’m feeling, put in place only by me. The thought I could fail truly scares me, because then what would I be?

I feel I’m missing  the excitement, My plans feel so miserable and plain. I feel I’m in competition, I feel I’m losing again.

I used to be able to hide it, But it’s getting harder to do. The mask is slowly slipping, the negative is wandering through.

 

I do hope that one day I’ll shake this, That I’ll wake up one day to feel peace. I yearn to feel a little bit calmer, I pray that this burden will cease.

I’m aware that there’ll always be difference, ‘Society’s manual’ mundane. I want to find a good balance, Stand tall when I’m not the same.

On one hand I’m strong and courageous, On the other I’m lost and afraid. I’m surrounded by nothing but kindness, Yet the unfavourable feelings cascade.

My thoughts alone are a worry, I want to break free and to live. I’d love to feel at ease and included. There is nothing more I would give.

Will it be ever relentless? Will I find peace in my heart? Will I know when it’s over? Will there be a new start?

The potential is what I cling most to, The hope that one day I will change. That one day the sun will burn brighter and all the bad feelings will fade.

Sometimes my head hurts so badly, Sometimes my eyes cannot see. Whatever I attempt I just panic, I want to give up being me.

I sometimes feel completely invisible, Regarded but not really seen. I need to find my way back now, Back to the beauty within.

I’m a tree in the depths of the winter, A bird without his own nest. I’m a bulb that’s waiting for summer, a bee that’s looking to rest.

I’m a  maze  so complex it’s empty, A deer that feels the pursuit. A song without any lyrics, A story that’s silent and mute.

I’m a mole that’s continually digging, a star that’s yearning for night. I’m a snow flake that can never be copied, the coldness you feel at first light.

I’m an instrument with only the flat notes, a guitar with no strings to be played, I’m a rainbow devoid of it’s colours, the flower surrounded by shade.

I’m a river that’s so overflowing, the water runs deep over land. I’m the waves from the world’s widest ocean, crashing upon the cold sand.

I want to travel with laughter, to feel a peace in my veins. I’m praying for a tangible difference, to return back to me once again!

I know there’s a beauty within me, a light that is trying to shine. A whole world of promise awaits me, A new day that’s made to be mine.

So I’ll wait and I’ll see what will happen. I’ll keep praying I’m not lost at sea. I’ll keep calling through all of the wild winds. I will find the beauty in me.

The main message from the story I read about the ‘Wemmicks’ is that no matter who you are you are acceptable; that life isn’t all about fitting in and being the same as everyone else, but that each individual is special as they are: There is a beauty within. I’m really not sure why the thoughts about myself all came to me in a somewhat poetic way, so please overlook the rather infantile construction of rhyme and rhythm. It isn’t a form of blogging I would usually use, but it was also a way of painting a picture that wasn’t quite as dark and bleak as a paragraph of words might have been!